Charts on the great economy

Tony Snow for President?

Uh oh. Hmmm… what does she want me to be thinking about? What does she want me not to be thinking about? I guess answering “nothing” is the wrong answer. I can’t say I was wondering what we should have for dinner, it’s got to be about her. I sure can’t say I was wondering if we’ll have sex tonight. If I say “I was just thinking about how much I love you” she’ll know it’s BS and insist I tell her what it really was.

And what was it really at the time? I’ve forgotten. Crap, too late, she’s noticed my pause and knows I’m trying to figure it out so whatever I say is wrong.

But whatever I would have said, even if instantly, would have been wrong too.

Now, remember something, Guys: when the woman is describing a problem she is having, she is not inviting you to think of a solution. She is talking it out. Your only job during this is to sit still, shut up, and listen. Do not offer suggestions! Do not give advice! Just shut up and listen.

If she decides she wants your help, and not simply your company as she vents, she will ask for help. Until then … do nothing! Disregard at your peril!

I speak from experience!

YOU NEVER LISTEN..
You listen, but you take the things I say literally. Don’t you realize that I don’t actually mean what I say? You stupid moron.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
… without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven’t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA’S FINE.
… you cheap slob!

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I don’t like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
… just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE’RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I’m not pursuing this relationship until I am positive I can’t do any better than you.

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

1.) FINE: This is where I say oops and get her flowers.

2.) Five Minutes: I enjoy the fashion show and share my appreciation for allowing me to view the fashion show by making sure my enjoyment is evident. Hoping it turns into a well used 30 minutes

3.) Nothing: See item #1.

4.) Go Ahead: I change my mind and do what she wanted me to do originally (if I can figure that out)

5.) Loud Sigh: See item #1 – add another flower per sigh.

6.) That’s Okay: See item #4 and #1.

7.) Thanks: I say you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever: Apologize, flowers and wine!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Jump up and do the job twice as good as she expected it to be done.

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m tired = I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

“Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then we can get down to business

“What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

“I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before

Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn’t even look different!

I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go!

“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.