Monday afternoon funny - Sister Toldjah

Via the Onion: John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011:

AMES, IA—In an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in Iowa Monday: a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office.

“Many bad things are not just bad—they’re terrible,” said a beaming Edwards, whose “Only the Good Things” proposal builds upon previous efforts to end poverty, outlaw startlingly loud noises, and offer tax breaks to those who smile frequently. “Other candidates have plans that would reduce some of the bad things, but I want all of them gone completely.”

According to Edwards, his plan is composed of three steps. Everyday bad things, such as curse words and splinters, would be eradicated during his first six months in office. Next, very bad things, including child abduction, soil erosion, and resurgent diseases such as malaria and tuberculosis, would be ended by the the end of 2009. Finally, extremely bad things—plights such as genocide, species extinction, and virtually every form of cancer—would take a full two years to wipe out.

[…]

Though some Democrats are applauding the positivity of Edwards’ pro-good agenda, critics say that the wealthy former trial lawyer is, at best, paying lip service to the issue.

“This is certainly a step in the right direction, but it’s not enough,” Daily Kos contributor BitchingPoints wrote hours after Edwards’ announcement. “Where in Mr. Edwards’ list of bad things does it mention poisonous snakes, nasty red wine stains on rugs, trolls, and noisy neighbors? Edwards has left the door wide open for a rival candidate to outflank him on his own issue by introducing a comprehensive plan that fills these gaping holes.”

Read the whole thing, and make sure to check out the picture, too. Priceless.

Lorica says:

July 16, 2007 at 1:46 pm

OMG it’s Jesus he is back for his 2nd coming!!! John Edwards raised a man from the dead and walked on water, I know, I heard him say so myself. /Sarcasm off

What kind of delusional completely out of his mind idiot is this guy??? How can you take this man seriously??? I think John McCain has a glimmer of new hope that he won’t be the next person out of the campaign.

Then there is this:

“This is certainly a step in the right direction, but it’s not enough” Daily Kos contributor BitchingPoints wrote hours after Edwards’ announcement. “Where in Mr. Edwards’ list of bad things does it mention poisonous snakes, nasty red wine stains on rugs, trolls, and noisy neighbors? Edwards has left the door wide open for a rival candidate to outflank him on his own issue by introducing a comprehensive plan that fills these gaping holes.”

What are you talking about??? So maybe John Edwards should put a metor/asteroid/comet policy into effect, where he could throw on his big “S” body suit and fly up out of our atmosphere, and bash an object into a million pieces before it hits the earth. And then what about space aliens. OMG John Edwards can do it all!!! He has my vote. /More Sarcasm off

How can you take this guy seriously?? This is absolutely delusional. I know, I know, I repeat myself, but I am actually at a loss of words at just how stupid this is, and how people are obviously falling for this foolishness. – Lorica

Baklava says:

July 16, 2007 at 2:19 pm

Put the man in a straight jacket? Oh but wait he cares and conservatives don’t right? That’s what matters not the results of solutions….

Can I add to the list that I don’t want another unpleasant word said about me by a liberal???

And while we are at it I don’t want unpleasant tasting food. It has to all be good from here on out.

I don’t want to have to look at another unsightly car with unsightly bumper stickers. such as “Coexist [with the beheaders]” OK. I added the with the beheaders part. The bumper sticker only says Coexist.

Sister Toldjah says:

July 16, 2007 at 2:20 pm

Lorica, the Onion is like Scrappleface … it’s a parody site, so their ‘report’ isn’t really real

July 16, 2007 at 2:30 pm

Ohhh Dang, I can be so naive. It looked real to me, and it is exactly what I expect from John Edwards. – Lorica

July 16, 2007 at 2:51 pm

Heheh – true. It does sound like something John Edwards would say! LOL

July 16, 2007 at 3:51 pm

I’m gullible also.

Tom TB says:

July 16, 2007 at 6:33 pm

The REAL John Edwards reaches out to the poor, only the ones I see him with look like they have had way too much to eat for years, and way too little exercise. Why doesn’t he run on the “Keep Fit and Vote” bandwagon? Invite these folks to his estate with his indoor gym and swimming pool, and slim them down!

forest hunter says:

July 16, 2007 at 10:18 pm

Me too Bak. I thought traitors got hanged for traitorous offenses. But that seems to depend on your political affliction and snoozepaper prescription.