In which the sistah talks about sex, baby

Posted by: ST on October 1, 2010 at 4:53 pm

Have been catching up a bit today on some articles I had bookmarked over the last week to read, and the one that caught my attention the most was one by conservative writer/comedian/actor Steven Crowder on the issue of abstinence.

First, you’ve got to give credit to ANY guy who will admit he is in a happy, fulfilling long-term relationship and is abstinent. Not trying to be stereotypical (keep that in mind as you continue to read this, please! :) ), but most guys who are in long-term relationships do not talk about their’s and their girlfriend’s sexual relationship at all around other people, let alone the fact that they aren’t having it. It is just “assumed” it is taking place when conversations turn to that particular topic. So for Crowder to say, yeah, I’m not having sex but I’m still in a great relationship earns him major props in my book. He writes:

Listen, one doesn’t need to be religious (nor a rocket scientist) to see the value of abstinence. Let’s disregard the immediately eliminated risk of increasingly popular STD’ and STI’s. Heck, let’s even discount the statistical data showing that sexual exclusivity seems overwhelmingly conducive to a successful marriage. Abstinence also provides an incomparable bond of trust in a relationship.

Yes, I admit it, I’m in a long-term relationship and I’m abstinent. Scandalous, I know. It’s an incredibly difficult thing to do (mostly for me, because she’s way out of my league), and that’s what makes it so important.

I can tell you beyond any doubt, that my lady is able to control herself and stick to her values regardless of circumstance. Just as surely, she can say the same about me (Ben&Jerry’s benders notwithstanding). It is that display of self-control, that tangible example of living your principles through your life’s walk that ensures her that I won’t be jumping on the first well-proportioned opportunity that comes my way.

By the same token, I can rest easy knowing that my dame won’t be trying to bed Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” anytime soon. — Though he does have great abs.

Strong trust is the result. Constantly we hear cries of women aimed at their supposedly overly jealous boyfriends, “What’s the matter? Don’t you trust me?”

No, he doesn’t. You slept with him on the first date and there is no reason for him to think that you wouldn’t do the same when a better offer comes along.

Exactly! And that goes both ways, of course.

Man and woman holding handsWhat Crowder is getting at here isn’t even so much not having sex at all before marriage but instead being in a long-term committed relationship before deciding to make love for the first time. Even though I’ve written on the concept of abstinence many a time on this blog (example here) and feel that, ideally it’s better to wait until marriage, I’m practical about the issue and realize that even those who don’t treat sex as a casual matter probably won’t do that. But, thankfully, most people who don’t treat sex as a casual matter won’t sleep with someone they are dating after just the first few dates. They’ll wait a while to assess the relationship before taking that leap of faith by sharing their body with their significant other.

My issue when it comes to casual sex is how our culture promotes it as something that shouldn’t be frowned on, that there shouldn’t be any responsiblity associated with just “having a good time” by hopping into bed with someone whose name you don’t even know, and then moving on. This is, to elites, the “mature” and “progressive” way to be in modern times. As you’ve probably guessed, though, I’m not a member of this “elite” group, nor am I “progressive.” As I wrote in July 2007:

As [Mona] Charen noted, women’s magazines promote the casual sex lifestyle in the name of ‘maturity’ for women, but as I’ve said before, there’s nothing mature – nor responsible – about sharing your body with someone just because you feel like ‘hooking up.’ It takes more maturity, and a more responsible person, whether they be a man or a woman, to say, “No thanks” rather than, “Cool! Your place or mine?”

Our ‘progressive’ culture promotes this type of self-esteem destroying behavior for both sexes, but more so on women than men since men have traditionally been known as the more sexually aggressive since – well, the beginning of time – thus these ‘progressives,’ including large numbers of uber-fems, have vigorously sought to promote a guilt-free lifestyle of casual sex with a de-emphasis on parenthood and/or the two parent family, a lifestyle that women are not hardwired for. Also, society’s demand for ‘instant gratification,’ whether it be for swinging through a Wendy’s drive-thru for a burger in the evening rather than coming home and cooking something more savory or getting your ‘groove on’ with the person you just met at a friend’s party rather than finding long term fulfillment – emotionally and sexually – in a serious, committed relationship, is another contributor to the moral decline we witness more and more each day.

Don’t believe me? Well then listen to actress Raquel Welch, one of the few women in Hollywood who “get it” when it comes to men and women both being responsible with their bodies and waiting a while before they begin the sexual part of their relationship. :D

When conservatives talk about issues like this, the assumption from the left is that people who advocate that a couple be in a long-term committed relationship before having sex are frigid, prudish, and backwards. I admit to none of the above, but I will admit to being just a little bit old-fashioned (and unashamedly so) when it comes to sex and relationships, and I suspect a fair number of men and women out there agree with me. Though there may be a “sexual spark” there when two people first start seeing each other, it’s still wise to wait a while and really get to know the person before you decide whether or not share yourself with that person, because when you share your body with someone else, you are sharing everything with them. You aren’t just naked physically, but you’re also naked emotionally and you should be very particular about who you reveal this side of yourself with because if you’re not careful, you could get burned in the end. Sure, you can still get burned even when you have been in a long-term relationship before you decide to have sex, but the instances of it are much less in a long-term relationship than one that is just dipping its toes into the water.

I understand that in today’s society we are stressed to the brink, have a lot on our plates, don’t want to put in the time and effort it takes to develop a relationship into a sexual relationship, and sometimes need a quick outlet for “release” from every day pressures, and some use one or more of those excuses to form strictly sexual relationships with others. This is problematic for numerous reasons, namely there is always the issue of disease or pregnancy in the event that one person didn’t properly protect themselves. Also, it’s not uncommon for at least one half of the sexual relationship to become emotionally attached to the other – who does not return the favor, which leads to resentment and bitterness. Also, it presents the human body as little more than a dispensable “commodity” of sorts to use as one pleases until they tire of it.

Isn’t a sexual relationship with someone you have known, trusted, and loved for a long time so much more fulfilling than that? Yes, it takes effort to build the relationship and build the trust, but as Crowder suggests in his article:

I’d also have to imagine that sex with someone whom you share trust, loyalty and open communication would be far more liberating than the thrill of any one-night stand you could enjoy.

Absolutely! And you know what? I’m even not crazy about using the term “sex” to describe what people in long-term committed relationships/marriages do when they’re in love. I prefer the term “making love.” Isn’t it so much more rewarding to make love? To “have sex” with someone you barely know is easy and provides only temporary enjoyment. Investing yourself in a long-term relationship with someone who you see yourself as having a future with, and that relationship developing into so much more makes the eventual consumation so much more fulfilling. Think about it: When you are in the throes of passion, which is more exciting for you to have in the back of your mind? That your partner completely trusts you and you completely trust them, or that in the morning you and your partner will go your separate ways to never see each other again?

All that said, just because you don’t start out having sex in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t have fun in the process. I shouldn’t have to explain this. We are all adults here. ;) Of course, the “fun” I’m talking about doesn’t all revolve around intimate activity but it’s certainly a part of it.

Right. So now that I’ve turned about 17 shades of red from writing this, I’ll wrap this up on that note, and say that I look forward to your comments on the matter. :”>

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12 Responses to “In which the sistah talks about sex, baby”


  1. Robert says:

    My dad told me “If she’s not giving it to you, then she’s giving it to somebody else.” After having many successful relationships (always monogamous) with women, I can say that I would not be interested in a woman who subscribes to abstinence. It is just uncalled for, and I’m too much of a beast to do without. This guy is brave for doing this,because I couldn’t do it. I would be thinking of my father’s saying every week that went by. Great blog.

  2. James says:

    I have heard that saying that Robert has mentioned as well.

    Well…. not sure I would want to date someone like that anyways.

    Kudos to you Sister…I like your view of it. Someone who can practice what they preach and want to work on getting to know each other first is great. I guess that puts you in the sexy category LOL!:d

    Doing a great job…. thanks!:d

  3. LC Gregory says:

    I beg to differ – I would say that if she IS giving it to you, and quickly (i.e. within the first three dates or so), then it’s much more likely that she’s also giving it to someone else.

    Trust me – I know some great girls out there who are protecting their virginity.

    And James, yeah, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to date someone who is currently sleeping with someone else. ;-)

  4. Prudence says:

    Wow, Robert. That’s sad to hear of your father’s motto. Having that kind of mantra running through your head has got to have a negative effect on your attitude towards women.

    There’s a tingling deep intimacy that emerges when you penetrate your partner’s mind and emotions before engaging in the more “shallow” penetrations of the body. Don’t let your “beast” deprive you of the delicious tensions of resisting temptation. Take it from Prudence: if a woman is “giving it” to you right away, it’s probably not the first time she just couldn’t resist–and probably not the last either. Most women I know don’t necessarily have to be “giving it” to anyone.

    Great, daring post, Sister.

  5. Steve Hussein Skubinna says:

    “Free sex” is an oxymoron. There’s always a price, or a cost. I have always thought the whole “Sexual Revolution” was a massive scam on the world’s women.

  6. Kate says:

    Thanks for the straight talk, Sister. And I know it’s not easy to bring these subjects up even on a blog.

    My story….great parents who had a great relationship sent me searching for my “soul mate” early one…I thought that a man would complete me and give me that kind of relationship. Of course it was in the middle of the 1970’s when everyone was on the make and not much for relationships, unless it was living together. Many unsatisfactory and broken hearts later I finally found the guy who got my feet on the ground. I wish that I had waited, I tried, but I got that same old line…If you love me you would….so I gave in to the pressure that a guy placed on me. Not fair! That’s why I believe now that abstinence should be taught. It’s a practical way to give you the tools on how to be the master of your own body!!!

  7. Jo says:

    Unfortunatly, abstinence is a foreign, old-fashioned and unachievable concept to most people. I think there is always guilt and emotional baggage with ‘free sex’ that some will not admit. And somewhere along the way, the ‘entertainment’ industry decided that what sells is sex–and lots of it, especially the once forbidden sexual encounters of underage sex, extramarital sex and increasingly, same gender sex. They peddle it constantly to the public, especially teenagers, try to foist relationships that were once taboo on us and we lap it up in the privacy of our own homes. And most unfortunately, there is no going back.

  8. david foster says:

    I don’t think abstinence is realistic unless people are going to start getting married at 19 or so again–and that would lead to other problems. I also think the first-night drunken hookup scene is very destructive for a number of reasons. (If you’re really that attracted to him/her, why do you need to be totally drunk, anyhow?) For one thing, I suspect there are many potential relationships in which a strong initial spark of sexual attraction has the ability to grow into blowtorch intensity…but the growth takes some time and deeper acquaintanceship. But such potential relationships will never survive a bar/hookup environment; the analogy is a fire just getting started that gets blown out when someone turns on the forced-draft fans.

  9. david foster says:

    Also, ST, you might be interested in this post, and indeed the guy’s whole blog.

    (The approach described by “Just Thinking” (near the bottom of the comments) sounds like perhaps the sort of thing that was making you blush to hint at?)

  10. MissJean says:

    Robert, if you don’t mind me asking, how long have your dad and mom been married? And has he discussed with you if he thought it was okay to cheat on your mom if she didn’t sleep with him; e.g. while she was pregnant with you?

    I ask because my dad gave my brothers the shock of their life when he told them that he didn’t have sex with any of his high school girlfriends and they shouldn’t either. He and Mom have been married 43 years. My paternal grandparents were married over 50 years when my grandmother died. My maternal grandparents were married over 76 years, and Grandpa still considered Grandma his best friend.

    In contrast, most of my peers’ parents were divorced or never married. So I never considered their advice all that great. For example, my best friend’s mother thought it was all right to have an affair when her dad was out-of-state on a job. Same with another friend’s dad who used to sleep with his sister-in-law when his own wife had a problem pregnancy and wouldn’t give him a blowjob. Or my personal favorite, “I tell her to put out or get out!” (Yeah, that’s a great relationship right there!)

  11. Robert says:


    Prudence, I treat all of my women very well. I am a realist with them in the fact that I use protection, and be easy with everything. I am not an angry person, and I have to say that the emotional satisfaction that I get with a sexual and personal relationship with a woman cannot be matched. I think the idea of abstinence, like righteousness, is just another mental tool in the toolkit, just not the one I prefer to use.

  12. Robert says:


    The only real point I was trying to get across in my post was just the fact that men have the option of being with a woman that has sex, or one that doesn’t. Similar the idea of a free marketplace, the ideas and morals a woman has plays compete for consumers. The all vegetarian eggplant buffet restaurant just don’t get that much traffic anymore due to the slowdown in the dating economy. I check for a clean, documented bill of health before I begin a serious relationship, and if that is good, then the girl could have done the Boston Celtics before me for all I care. As long as she is 100% mine when I get her, then I don’t need some highminded ideal of “waiting all my life” for someone, or “chaste”. Looks are judged in the exact same method as a used car lot, literally. I am Christian in the absence of anything else.